All Metaphysics

Like a smack down I read the words of Pima Chodron in her small book, “The Pocket“. She wrote an entry called “Mirror, mirror on the wall” and I felt it deeply as I read it. This moving entry was all about when we work to be loving and open to others, we are forced to see the true nature of ourselves. We see this not through the ones we help or make feel better, but by those that push our buttons and challenge our kindness.

Why did I feel this so deeply? Because it was so true it stung a bit. As we see these challenging people and feel negatively about them or what they are saying or doing, it is actually us looking into a mirror of what we most dislike about ourselves. Well, like all of you reading this right now, at first I said to myself, “Self, this is not about you, it’s about everyone else”. Then I listened to myself saying that…..ouch! The metaphysics of this is so obvious and yet it almost snuck by me. Everything we put out there comes right back to us, every, single, time. It’s not about these miserable humans putting out garbage and us trying to escape it, although, that belief felt better!

So I thought about it a bit more. I thought about the people that push those buttons and why do those buttons get pushed? Why do I get so frustrated? An example came into my mind about my presumed arrogant nature of some people. The people that can not even listen to what I am saying about ANYTHING without giving an example of why I screwed up, how I could make it better and my inadequacies because they would have and have already done it better than me etc, etc. This actually gets so tiring that I find myself avoiding these people that seem to thrive on doing this.

If I were to take what the Pima Chodron wrote about this into account, this knowledge of a mirror showing me what I most dislike about myself, it is eye opening. In truth, I dislike getting advice about everything I do or think, especially when I don’t ask for it. I feel belittled when I’m talked to in these ways. I feel unheard, critiqued and judged. Well, well, well….I thought, am I doing this to other people??? OUCH! Holy crap, I felt extreme discomfort thinking that I too am reflecting this button pusher behavior. I love helping people and I KNOW that I have given advice when not asked for it. I KNOW I have offered up suggestions to better a persons situation when they probably only wanted to vent. I KNOW I have also said things like “this is how I did that” and I honestly felt like that should be helpful.

Good grief! I decided to pay closer attention to these things, this was the only way to stop them from happening to me. I needed to stop looking in that mirror. What does that mean? If this is what you are seeing reflected back to you by others around you, then you are the one that put that out there first. If I remove that from my side of the mirror, I remove seeing it in others.

This is a huge project for those of us that thrive on “helping” everyone around us! I now try to ask myself these questions when in this situation with another:

*Did they ask for advice?

*Did they want my story too or just want to tell theirs?

*Am I allowing them to vent or trying to shut that off?

*Am I a good listener?

*If they do ask for advice am I kind in my deliverance?

Nothing feels better than being able to help other people, in whatever way we can. Even those that think it isn’t a priority to them find that after they help someone out they feel a high unmatched by anything else. Could this be the reason we sometimes “help” when not being asked to and sometimes produce the button pusher in the mirror? It’s hard not to push our way in sometimes, so I decided to change my approach and try to always ask first. Asking it like this, “can I help you with that?” A really good way to know exactly what they expect from you is to simply ask, “are you venting or wanting advice?”.

This can be applied to any ugly mirror you’re looking into. Are you bossy? Are you stubborn? Are you impatient? What pushes your buttons in others behaviors? Dig deep and think about it. What would make these people more tolerable or even likeable? Make your list of things to try from this list!

And with all of that being said…. are YOU ready for coaching? I’m full of “helpful advice”… chuckling a little bit! 🙂