All Metaphysics

Are you a helper? A fixer? People look to you to help them out in some form or another? Do you find yourself saying yes all the time? Do you struggle to say no? Do you find that resentment can start to build? Do you struggle asking these same people to help you out when you need it? Then this post is for you but most importantly it’s also for those that know and love you.

Saying no is hard for some of us and even harder when you love the person asking for your help. When you feel you also need help but no one is showing up then it can bring about a whole spectrum of feelings from apprehension to full blown resentment or anger. We try to hide it but it ends up showing up in the form of shutting down, being trite or sometimes blowing up! Funny thing is that we do it to ourselves….or do we? Yes we do, we can say no just like anyone else but we struggle with it because of our values, belief systems and desire to assist. But then there is the element of being used and abused that is also part of this. We all know people that can’t seem to say no and one of them might be you, and we all know those people that are always asking for help in some form.

If you’re like me, I didn’t stop at just saying yes all the time, I’d find myself offering to do things they hadn’t even asked me to do yet! What the hell? I was already busy, already tired and I had tons of my own stuff to do! I was not getting back enough of the help I was giving out to keep me floating upright! Partly because I never asked and partly because they never showed up. I got angry. I got resentful. It’s a hard place to be when your philosophy is to be a kind and helpful person. So let me share what I have learned and am still learning every day.

There are two types of people in the “helpful” spectrum, the ones that really appreciate you and show up for you in the same way you do for them. They reach out, appear in front of you with help, they ask what can I do? Then there are those that say I’d love to help but I’m just too busy, I can’t extend myself right now, I don’t like doing that kind of chore. The second person I just described is a fabulous boundary setter and is taking care of themselves by not over extending and wearing themselves out, HOWEVER, if this person is also one of the people you have been going out of your way to help in their times of need then we will grow to not really like this person anymore! This is a fact not an opinion! There will be love lost right here and it wont be pretty! As much as you want to say you wouldn’t do that or have those feelings, you will and have and will again!

This is not just a casual observation on my part. I’ve lived this. I have less warm fuzzy feelings about certain people than I used to. I’ve pulled back a lot of my time and energies I extend to them. I am now using their vocabulary when they ask for my help, I’m just too busy, would rather shovel horse poop or “you have fun with that” as I walk away.

So for those that know this type of helper person, reach out and offer to help them in some way, show up when you know they are going through something, be present and available even if its not “fun” because they do that for you! And realize that setting limits to what you can say yes to needs to also have some exceptions. If I have been holding your hand while you grieved the loss of a loved one, cooked you dinner when you have been overwhelmed, helped you with chores, helped you with projects etc etc and I’m now going through a rough patch and you are aware of it then why aren’t you showing up? You’re busy? So was I and I still showed up for you! We have “things” that get us all busy and such, but we all also have the ability to make the time for someone who always makes time for you.

Last word of advice, as the helper type person, realize that if you come across as being able to do everything yourself by not asking for help, you will sit there alone if you’re surrounded by the type 2 person described earlier! It really is up to us to be as helpful as we choose to be and it’s also our responsibility to say enough is enough.

So, to all of my fellow helpers out there, I see you, I feel you, I respect you. Take care of yourself and keep on helping others because that’s who we are, just pay attention to what drains you and change it!